Dad and Me

[chrystalline]

willowbrook asked about my Dad's reaction to my name change, and once I got started talking, it was hard to stop. As a result, I have more blather on how he and I have wrestled with each other and how that affected what I've become. It's funny, sometimes, to stop and think about the influences that make us what we are, because just like plants that grow in a specific shape due to pruning and trellises, we also grow in different ways depending on how our parents (or guardians) deal with us.

Mom has always been understanding about my need for individuality. She's never had any interest in changing her name, but if it makes me happy, it's okay with her. It never bothered her that I didn't want to be just like her in every way, and she's always encouraged me to do what I feel driven to do.

Dad, on the other hand - he freaked when I told him I was considering changing my name, so I didn't tell him when I finally did it. I was careful to ask friends and family not to mention it to him, and at Christmas, several family members made a point of talking to me when he wasn't around, just so they could ask about it and offer congratulations. He found out about it anyway, and while his reaction hasn't been perfect, it is at least better than his reaction to the initial idea. I'm not sure he's completely accepted it yet. I've said it's okay for friends and family to continue using the old name, but I'm starting to think that's causing more confusion than anything else, so I may need to just bite the bullet and tell people to go ahead and all switch to the new one.

Dad's the one who pushed and pulled on me all my life, trying to make me be an engineer just like him (which he now denies having done, but my mom and brother can both attest that yes, he did) that I flatly refused to have anything to do with the field and ran from anything that even resembled a technical career. As a result, I'm the only one in the family without an engineering degree of any kind - I got my degrees in Cinema & Video Production instead, though I eventually figured out that despite my knee-jerk insistence on wanting to be a director, I'm really better at story development, continuity details, and the miscellaneous technical stuff that most people never know about. I really enjoyed cutting the negative on my senior project (a task my classmates hated and complained about quite vocally!), though I hated the project itself with a passion and was not at all dismayed that it got lost when they renovated the editing room over the summer. It would have been good to have on video for employment purposes, but my emotional reaction to the project as a whole made it just as well lost. I do regret the loss of my grad 3D project video - that one was cool! Wish someone had warned me to copy it before I went to that interview. I had the bizarre notion that they might watch it right there and hand it back to me, which I now know was remarkably stupid (or at least naive). They were going to give it back, but they lost it, and I'm not sure I can recreate it in Poser - that one was done in MAYA, which I love and really wish I could afford...

For the longest time, any time I showed interest or skill in anything of a technical nature, Dad would smirk at me.

"You're so technical."
"I am NOT!"

But, you know, I am. Just not the way *he* is. I never have and never will like automotive hardware, machine code, circuit design, or any of those gritty, down-to-basics hardware things. I can use a lot of tools (tablesaw, bandsaw, belt sander, hammer, screwdriver, drill, nailgun, jigsaw, wrench, etc.), but carpentry isn't really my idea of a good time (except the nailgun - that's fun!). What I *do* like is troubleshooting, helping people who don't understand their computers, webdesign, writing fiction and nonfiction, graphic design, analyzing industries and determining how they could be improved, singing and acting, 3D animation, martial arts, and, heaven help me, I've even started to like CSS. I enjoy playing with HTML, CSS, PHP, certain elements of JavaScript, and of course, photo manipulation (My CafePress shop delights me. Of course, there's only one design that's selling *really* well, and it's still not enough yet to live on, but it's growing. It's enough to pay for itself already, and that's good.)

It never helped that he kept pushing like that. I'm now trying to start over, in some regards, and figure out for myself how much of my original goals were motivated mainly by my knee-jerk rejection of his pushing ("Anything but that, just because you said it!") and how much is really me. It's an odd thing, really, to be in my late twenties and only now be wondering, "Who am I really?" because I've only now been able to stop running from things that look technical just because Dad always pushed me to be an engineer. Part of that is this book that mom got - Boundaries - I've finally read it, and it's really good. I haven't started on the workbook yet, but I'm trying to make progress. I'm usually a "if it's broke, throw it out and get a new one" kind of person, but you can't really do that with your life...

Comments

[belisse.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain.

Even though my dad (an engineer too) never actually pushed me to any sort of career. I've never heard a word of acceptance either.

All I have to say, is that the moment you can do a job without thinking in your dad, you'll be very happy. :)

[chrystalline.livejournal.com]

{hugs}

Yeah, I understand. There must just be something about being the filmgeek daughter of an engineer...

They don't get it, and at least with my dad, anything that isn't the way he would do it is *wrong.* Therefore, even if he stops pushing, he still doesn't approve, and it's very hard to let go of that desire for approval.

[belisse.livejournal.com]

the filmgeek daughter of an engineer....

it almost sounds like a curse. ;)

[chrystalline.livejournal.com]

It kind of is, really. Has a good rhythm, too;)

[thenateschultz.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahahaha!

*ahem*

Yeah...

So, you do know there are other forms of engineering... Say, Mechanical or Computer...

For the record, it might well have been just been a reflection of values. He is an engineer because he values those talents, skills, and abilities. If he IS an engineer, not because he trained to be one, he will value engineering outside of training or degree. Accordingly, without any particular malice or even active thought, trying to get you to recognize and learn those abilities would simply be trying to help... in a clumsy paternal way.

You should know the proverb: never ascribe to malice what simple incompetance can explain. (You get better theories, and you tend to dislike people less acutely. All for the low ,low cost of getting closer to the truth. Win-Win-Win situation, really.)

[chrystalline.livejournal.com]

Oh I know it's not intentional *malice,* but that doesn't make it hurt any less, to be blunt. It's not pleasant to have everything that matters to me belittled because it doesn't matter to him.

On a totally different topic, were you ever going to send me your logo graphic, or do I need to recreate it myself?