Smart-Aleck’s App

[chrystalline]

This is just to satisfy my need to be a smart-aleck, since the internet is pretty much the only good place to do that.

Now, I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m looking for more than just what I’ve got at work. There’s the possibility of a promotion (which currently involves little more than a title change and a fancy pin - no raise or anything) with the future possibility of going into management, but things seem to go so slowly. Maybe that’s because I learn so fast; downside to learning more quickly than others is that you then get bored quicker than the others!

Anyway, I’ve been looking and occasionally sending out resumes. What really gets me, though, are the online application forms. I hate those with a passion. “Let’s reduce you to what fits in this little box here, and if you don’t fit our mold exactly, the computer will dump you before we even have to look at your resume.” OTOH, the one I filled out tonight had several odd questions. Who really asks for the make/model/tag of your car and how many days you’ve missed work in the last five years? I don’t exactly mark them on the calendar.

Again, anyway, it prompted me to think of some really smart-alecky answers to common (and not-so-common) questions found on these types of things, some of which wouldn’t have been a good idea to include in an actual application (they take themselves so seriously sometimes), and hey, maybe in the future I can point people here and say, “These help?” Okay maybe not, but it’s fun to share; is there anyone who doesn’t hate filling out these seemingly endless forms?

Do you smoke?
No.

Drink?
No.

Use illegal drugs?
No. Is this a job application or a dating profile? I don’t have any tattoos, either.

Salary/Wage requirements?
That depends. How many hours a week? How strenuous? Will I be so worn out and brain fried after working there that I can’t handle a second job for additional income? What’s the cost of living for the area? What’s the average salary for that position in your area? Will I have to move? How long a commute? Can I telecommute?

FT/PT?
Well, to be blunt, anyone would love to be able to work part-time and make enough to live on as if it were full-time, but that rarely happens. As it is, I prefer to have a single full-time job, but I’m willing to have two part-time jobs if it enables me to make career progress.

Reliable transportation?
Of course.

Criminal Record?
Of course not.

Why do you want this job?
It’s shiny! It pays money! It sounds like fun! Something like that.

Why should we hire you? What’s so special about you?
I’m sparkly. No, really.

I possess superior PC knowledge, excellent customer service skills, and experience with a variety of graphics software packages, and my talent for imagery has won awards in still photography. In addition, I have exceptional skills in English grammar and spelling, and a real gift for turn-of-phrase.

I also have experience in web and graphic design. As an independent people-person with strong attention to detail, I have the ability to work both collaboratively and without supervision. Examples of my graphic design, photography, and art can be seen at http://cdlauryl.deviantart.com/gallery/ and at www.CDLauryl.com

Website design examples can be found at www.StarbaseKarma.com and www.Chrystalline.com

Cross training and multitasking are my specialties. I enjoy a challenge and I like learning new things. Physical exertion without intellectual stimulation will bore and stress me, but intellectual challenges without ever having human contact will depress me; I need a balance between human interaction and mental effort. I have extensive internet experience, and I can learn any program ever developed in no more than a few hours. (You think I’m kidding - try me.) I’m perfectly comfortable dealing with hardware, and I have some experience with networking as well.

I can type 40 wpm (faster, when I’m typing from my head instead of trying to read and copy), and I have excellent customer service skills. I can form a rapport with people almost instantly, and fully understand how to handle incidents. I have a professional manner and pleasant phone voice, and was responsible for scheduling when I was a security site supervisor.

I have a good eye and a passion for graphics and layout. I’m skilled and talented with imagery, and I have a strong attention to detail.

Or, to put this all in the geekiest possible way:
I am awesome and I play well with others.

Special Skills?
AV & Graphics Software:
Adobe Photoshop/Premiere/AfterEffects, AVID, SAW32, SoundForge, some Quark XPress
MAYA 3D/Composer, Lightwave 3D, some Poser, Bryce, Carrara, Amorphium

General Web & Content Management Systems (CMS):
MS Front Page, some Dreamweaver
HTML/XHTML, BBS, IM, RSS, CSS; some JavaScript and XML
Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera, Mozilla, AOL, Incredimail, Outlook, Thunderbird, Firefox
WordPress, LiveJournal, Blogger/Blogspot, YahooGroups, phpNuke, phpFusion, OSCommerce, phpBB/IPB

Software & Skills:
MS Works/Word/Excel/Access/PowerPoint, WordPerfect, WordStar/StarOffice
Advanced Windows; Intermediate DOS, UNIX, Linux, and Mac
Detail-oriented, organized, well-spoken, flexible multi-tasker
People-person with sales skills and an eye for artistic layout/design
Excellent English grammar and spelling; good storyteller with flair for turn of phrase

Where have you worked before, when, and why did you leave?
freelance
(Sep 2004 - present)
Graphic design & layout (brochures, forms, advertisements, logos, prints, gifts, and apparel), web design (with and without CMS), video production, writing (advertising copy, website copy, newsletter articles), general tech support, sales and promotions, photography & digital photo manipulation/editing.
Not something you ever fully leave, even if you just fit it in on your day off.

Tilted Windmill Productions
(Oct 2002 - Feb 2004)
Created logo. Designed and maintained website. Design and layout of print advertising. Wrote advertising copy for web, print, and radio for Tilted Windmill and its clients. Shot/edited event video. Designed DVD navigation; output to DVD or VHS. Managed marketing and community relations for TWP and clients.
Company closed.

restaurant & retail store
(Sep 2006 - present)
Greeting and assisting customers, totaling restaurant/retail transactions and processing payment with cash/check/credit card/gift card/voucher, paying out tips to servers, tracking financial figures for the day’s transactions, issuing refunds, reimbursing business expenses to personnel with proper documentation, maintaining records of transactions and discounts, promoting retail products, restocking retail items, training new cashiers, answering phones (three lines), transferring calls, taking messages, cleaning cash counter/retail store/public restrooms, wrapping gift items, enforcing company policy, filling in for other positions where needed, setting up and moving product displays.
Haven’t left yet.

escrow company
(Feb 2004 - Oct 2004)
Greeting clients, answering phones (nine lines), transferring calls, taking messages, receiving and routing mail and packages, preparing and filing banking deposits, general paperwork, minor tech support. Bonded by California Dept. of Corporations.
Moved back to AL.

US Space & Rocket Center
(Apr 2002 - Apr 2003)
Greeting and assisting guests; giving presentations, both solo and accompanied, to groups of up to 150 people; re-wrote presentation about ISS and other NASA-related projects.
Temporary position.

gated community security
(Sep 1999 - Oct 2001)
Greeting and assisting residents/employees/guests, answering phones (two lines), taking messages, receiving and routing mail and faxes, creating and maintaining databases and computer logs, enforcing community security requirements. Licensed by South Carolina Law Enforcement Division. Promoted to site supervisor in Feb, 2001, and added to existing responsibilities: Handling incidents, scheduling, managing ~10 employees, interviewing/recommending for hire.
Company closed.

Originally published at Chrystalline. You can comment here or there.